When the Music Doesn't Hit the Same

Yesterday while scrolling through the my youtube's homepage, I came across a video titled A Tale of Two SZAs: Self Esteem, Love and Relationships

Like always, I scrolled straight to the comments section, and the first comment I saw was: "SZA is for the girls who don't know how to say no... don't know how to be alone." That comment triggered an epiphany for me.

I remembered when SOS came out, I didn’t really vibe with the album. The lyrics just didn’t settle well with me. I knew it was because I wasn’t in that space of life anymore. I had found my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I didn’t have that void anymore. But reading that comment made me realize the state of mind I was in when I was one of sza's biggest fan.

It was 2017. I was in my second and a half year of college? This was probably about a year before I dropped out. College wasn’t really doing much for me. It was just something to do, The only things I really cared about at that time were my little jewelry business. It was my baby, something I looked forward to every day, a place where I could pour all my creativity. My friends. This was my going out era. I was always hanging out with my friends, driving hours and miles just to see them, pick them up from work, or taking them to whatever move they wanted to make. I’d scoop, and we’d be off. The relationships—especially the relationship aspect of my life, which consumed so much of my energy. I was so eager to be someone’s girlfriend, on and off dating apps trying to find my knight in shining armor. When I couldn’t find him, I always went back to my situationship—a discombobulated, undefined mess that I clung to because it was the closest thing I had to a relationship. I had no clarity about where we stood, was filled with anxiety, and felt like I had to walk on eggshells just to meet the image they had of me. I wanted so badly to please them, to make it work because of how amazing those fleeting good moments were. You know dealing with someone you know is no good for you just for that little moment of happiness with them, thinking maybe this could be, only for it to go back to the foolishness it was and you're heartbroken all over again.. Willing to put up with this because of your fear of being alone. Which is basically what the ctrl album was. and that's why I loved it! I resonate so deeply with it. Every other night this album was blasted during my night rides. Heck sometimes I just went driving just so I could listen to the album. Especially at night, I would drive for hours and ponder on life, that situationship or about whatever guy I was talking to that I thought could save me from my loneliness. I was ctrl, ctrl was me.

But now? Now I’m at peace. I care less about what people think of me, and I’ve finally, genuinely started to enjoy life. I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy my singleness. I enjoy my boundaries. I don’t get that when I listen to SZA. The music doesn’t hit the same and that’s okay. I still listen to CTRL every now and then for the nostalgia, to remind myself of how far I’ve come. But the difference is, I’m no longer the girl who was desperately searching for someone else to fill her void. Now, I’ve found peace.